Along these halls I have been walking this past week, from 7pm til 3am moving back and forth between health and illness. I tell myself it clears my mind. It also burns the calories.
This is the first time in a full year that I have had regular meals for an entire week. And my body is not quite sure what is going on.
I realized a couple of things about myself this past week, and it has totally inspired me to keep doing what I am doing.
Last friday I had a confrontation with 2 members of my group. They told me that I am too open, and that the stuff I say (to other people) triggers them into not being able to sleep and triggers emotions that they cannot handle. That they can not focus on their eating disorder, so they told me I should not be so open next time.
Considering the conversation they talked about, which I didn’t have with them, but which they overheard while they were in the garden, I thought they were overreacting and also that they put the responsibility of their emotions on me. Which I have always found very unfair. I freaked out and cried.
I got so emotional that the first thing I could think about was quitting my food intake. I was so full of emotions and felt useless and fat. I totally disregarded my own space. I left myself emotionally by figuring out how I could make it easier for them so that they could sleep properly and wouldn’t be confronted with my apparently open personality.
On my way home I cried some more then suddenly it hit me!
I had done it once again… This is exactly why I am here, in eating disorder therapy. Whenever I feel like I am not allowed to take up any space, when people are limiting me, when I have to disappear, I stop eating.
I didn’t say what I wanted to say and stick with it, I took away my right to exist.
Because the reality is: I am an open person, I did not have an inappropriate conversation with this group member since we were both asking eachother questions about our life so far. I didn’t go into details and they were the ones eaves dropping. If that one group member I was having the conversation with didn’t feel comfortable, she should have said something. The ones who were in the garden overhearing my conversation could have said something to me at the time. They also could have shut the door and moved to a different spot in the garden. The fact that you find something hard to hear, which isn’t even addressed to you shouldn’t have to be a reason for me to not have this conversation in the first place. Or to watch what I say, I wasn’t even aware that these girls were in the garden in the first place, or that they could hear the conversation.
I am not responsible for what you do with your emotions!
You cannot tell me to stop talking about certain subjects, or make an inventory of who’s in the room so that I can change my conversation.
I was having a mutual conversation and I shall not be stifled.
How you deal with your eating disorder, and triggers, is your responsibility.
You cannot expect people to avoid some conversation just because you cannot deal with it. Then just move, move away from that situation. Go talk to a therapist, but don’t blame this on me.
I could have easily stopped eating that day, I had every intention to do so. But I chose not to. Beucase that would be unfair. I can’t say: “Oh because you take away my space, I will now stop eating.” I am responsible for how I deal with this trigger. Because this is the entire reason why I deal with an eating disorder. Not being able to take up space. Always feeling that I am not allowed to exist. I could have said on monday morning, I dont want you to take away my space anymore because it triggers me into not eating, but I took responsibility and claimed back my space by continueing to eat. It wasn’t easy, I can tell you that! But I did it!
It became pretty clear to me how much my eating disorder has to do with me taking up space, with my right to exist. I should have said what I felt at that time and stuck with it, because if I don’t choose for myself I automatically translate this in bad eating habits. I have certainly learned a thing or two about myself and will continue to be aware of this. I feel absolutely empowered and feel motivated. I think this is a step in the right direction if I continue to choose for myself.